GAY

Dating? I still don’t get it :-(

Coming up to that mid way point of your 30’s you start to look around your friends and come to the realisation, am I the gay Bridget Jones?

So new year had been and gone and I was trying my best to plan the year ahead, making sure I planned my work goals, gym goals and life plans. After several nights out with my inner council of best friends one subject kept popping up again and again.”Darren you really should think about getting a boyfriend?” ” Darren there is only so long you can keep partying you know.”” Darren you aint getting any younger!” that last one was from my best friend Simon, and to be honest he can get away with talking to me like that. So from this intervention I decided to put some serious effort to experience dating.

I wont lie its been a fair few years since I put proper effort into dating. Like many gay men my age the addiction of grindr hook ups had taken over my dating life in the last few years, and man they were good times. So I started to look a bit deeper into this. Now as a profile I describe myself early 30s, dark short hair with a beard. Blue eyes stocky/big build, top and hung hehehe. Now I know I’ve got my own insecurities about my weight and if you read this blog you know the journey I’ve been on, so i’m always wary when people ask me about my body. The worse message i would get from a guy was asking for a body pic!!

Now I’ve heard all this before, “stop looking it’ll find you?” “it’ll come when you least expect it.” all that stuff is a load of bollocks. I get it you gotta put yourself out there to meet people and I can honesty say I’ve done this. But yes I am still single and am pondering am doing something wrong???? But i’d say i’ve had some mixed success. Strangely I’ve made some amazing longterm friends this year from grindr, so gays of the world listen, you can make friends from the app. But after a meeting a lot of people for dates i began to doubt myself, was it me???

As 2017 approaches I’m still gonna put myself out there but wanted to share some tales I’ve endured recently.

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The Puppy guy

After a fruit full exchange on Scruff(dating app), I agreed to go for drinks with American student. I’d say the exchange we had before hand was great, we seemed to have a lot in common and the conversation flowed well. We even got a good bit of flirting, which was great. We met up for drinks which was brilliant, then onto dinner at Zizi’s. Now up to this point the date was going really well, potential could be seen over the horizon.

As we waitress brought our main meals to the table he dropped the P bomb! ” Do you enjoy puppies???” I had no idea what he meant so my reply was ” Dogs or Tits?” to be fair either I’m good with. To my horror and the diners around us, during the next 20mins and over I was being taken through the journey of Puppy and Master role play. Meaning I would of been the master and he would dress like a dog and serve me.  I mean seriously is this dinner etiquette??? has the 1st date rules changed and not told me???  Was I boring for wanting to talk about my hobbies??  The evening didn’t really recover from this, and I did tell him it wasn’t my bag.  We had a few more drinks and a smooch on the way home, but so much of the evening i couldn’t get the images out of my head.

We did we talk about a 2nd date but I left it. No matter how much I looked at his other qualities, I could see is one day him coming up to me with a dog head on and a bowl at his feet wanting me to pet him.

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The OCD bloke

After meeting a delightful French guy in one of the local bars of Brighton, no apps used good old-fashioned chatting someone up cause you fancied them. We had 3 great dates, a few meals out, drinks and some great thumper thumper sessions.

So for the 4th date we planned a movie night at mine, popcorn a few bottles of wine. Now up to this point we had always stayed at his place, which was ok with me. Its always nice to have a few nights away, but he was very house proud. At one time he was a bit angry cause i didn’t hang a towel up straight, but thought nothing of it.

We had just watched one of the Underworld films together, having a cuddle ect when he went to the toilet. He seemed to be gone for a while, but he came back upstairs and everything seemed ok. Half way through the 2nd film he was suddenly very irritated and was scratching a lot, this was a bit odd but I left it. Then he turns to me and says “I’m going home!” I was baffled “are you ok?” I asked only to be royally pissed off by the response. “Your house is too messy, your bathroom and other rooms!” WTF  he had actually done and small tour of my flat, and even did a finger test on a door frame.

With this he left, suddenly flashbacks came flooding back. I remembered the smell of bleach from his flat, how annoyed he got when I moved something in the kitchen. I was very fucked off at this time because my flat was not messy or untidy, but to be honest I couldn’t have dated someone with this much of a cleaning rod up his ass.

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The lad who wanted to be spanked.

This was part of my POF (plenty of fish) experiment, I was trying an actual dating site not a hook up site. He was younger lad in his mid 20s that came to Brighton for a date, which was quite nice. Nice dinner in an Italian restaurant then a walk to sit on the beach.

We had our first kiss, which by some standards was very romantic. Then after our loving embrace he asked “spank me!” What????? what a way to ruin the moment. I laughed this off only for him to put himself in a bent over position waving his arse in my face. Now I did think for a second it was a joke, but no he was very serious. Sat on Brighton beach with a guy bent over looking for a spanking. If this was a different situation like a 2am grindr meet, and I just wanted to get my rocks off then yeah. But this romantic date, we laughed and joked, I didn’t have to send a dick pic. Can you imagine if we were dating long-term, who could tell when his spanking urge would kick in, a shopping trip to Asda then pants down spanking at the till. No thank you.

Now I’m sure there are other guys I’ve dated who could compile a great list of misadventures and I feature. But I think for every person straight or gay these adventures are what dating is all about??? When I meet that guy I want to throw all in with, having these experiences will make it more special, at least give us something to laugh about.But hey ho 2017 is looking bright, fingers crossed. My Mr Darcy is out there.

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Darren Goodwin

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