GAY · Geeks

HE-MAN & SHE-RA: A GAY CHILDHOOD

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When your parents show you pictures of you when you are little, I can remember seeing me on Christmas days in my pants practically crying with excitement opening the Snake Mountain toy. Years later He-Man and She-Ra still play a big part in my life, be it the genres I like in tv and film. But who knew how gay it was back then.

Skeletor and Hordak

I’ve recently re watched episodes of He-Man and She-Ra on Netflix, and have been swept back to my younger self. I forgot that every episode of the show had a moral story to tell, to help young people with life goals. I never really noticed it until I’ve sat through quite a few of them, and they tackled really controversial topics like bullying, confidence and even being touched inappropriately see below.

The best part about re watching the shows, after the initial nostalgia-burst, was tracking the show’s hilarious accidental homo-eroticism—an aspect I missed completely as a child. In the ever-growing line up of “outed” classic superheroes, He-Man might be the easiest target of all.

It’s almost too easy: Prince Adam, He-Man’s alter ego, is a ripped Nordic page-boy with blinding teeth and sharply waxed eyebrows who spends lazy afternoons pampering his timid pet cat; he wears lavender stretch pants, furry purple Ugg boots, and a sleeveless pink blouse that clings like saran wrap to his pecs. To become He-Man, Adam harnesses what he calls “fabulous secret powers”: His clothes fall off, his voice drops a full octave, his skin turns from vanilla to nut-brown, his giant sword starts gushing energy, and he adopts a name so absurdly masculine it’s redundant.

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Next, he typically runs around seizing space-wands with glowing knobs and fabulously straddling giant rockets. He hangs out with people called Fisto and Ram Man, and they all exchange wink-wink nudge-nudge dialogue: “I’d like to hear more about this hooded seed-man of yours!” “I feel the bony finger of Skeletor!” “Your assistance is required on Snake Mountain!” Once you start thinking along these lines, it’s impossible to stop.

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It was all about Hordak for me, he was a fantastic villain. I look at today’s cartoons and villains and believe that cartoons have strayed way to far from the formula set out by He-Man. Hordak was the all powerful leader of the Horde, mainly on-screen he was the main villain of She-Ra. Unlike Skeletor who was his pupil, Hordak conquered Etheria and commanded his forces from the Fright Zone. Hordak was very similar to Darth Sidious in Star Wars, so it’s probably set in the stone the sort of villain I prefer. powerful god like leaders with Empire’s to command. I even use Hordak for my MMO characters on Warcraft and The Old Republic.

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But it was always the love affair between He-Man and Skeletor that was the biggest focus, both dressed in harness’ and furry pants I truly believe that Skeletor enjoyed losing every time, just to get another pounding from He-Man. If He-Man was the strongest man on all eternia, surely he could have dealt with Skeletor once and for all. He-Man loves his tussles with his lover Skeletor. Enough said.

But lets look at some of the most gay influenced characters:

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Beast Man– Skeletor’s lackey or should I say bitch? Why else would Beast Man stick around and take verbal and physical abuse unless he was getting a good fucking? I also believe that  fur face here would be referred to as a “bear”. Look at him with his hairy body and facial hair. It also doesn’t help that Beastie is sporting some serious bondage gear. Chest harness and a whip for those not paying attention.  What man of Eternia doesn’t want to snuggle up and enjoy his furry, pillowy buttocks for resting his weary head (among other things)?
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Man-At-Arms– Christ, if his name doesn’t incite endless orange armored man hugging then how about that tache? Flavor savor?, I think so. Being the mentor to Prince Adam you know he taught him how to hold a loft his magic sword (hehe).

 

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Leech– “Evil Master of Power Suction” Yep, that’s what the tagline on the toys packaging says. Technically he is what his name implies, a leech but one may wonder in a sea of other questionably gay characters what specifically he was sucking.
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Ram Man–  As far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t get any gayer than Ram Man. The guy is stocky, or “husky” if you prefer, built like a tank, and yet he proudly wears a skirt because he doesn’t give a fuck what you think. His special power is that he springs forth (light in the loafers) and bashes the shit out of things with his fucking head. But just look at the guy. His armor makes him look like a walking buttplug for crying out loud. And his name gives you all the information you need to know: “Ram Man”.
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Fisto– Not only does this guy look like he should be the poster child for gay San Francisco circa 1969 but if his freaking jumbo sized fist doesn’t imply this guys magnitude for asshole spelunking need I remind you of his name?

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Mekaneck The guy’s fucking neck extends. Do I really need to go any further with this? If this doesn’t make him the most popular belle of the ball, I don’t know what else possibly could.

If you had a spare day to watch other 80s cartoons, you would  have great memories, but for me He-Man and She-RA were the best. Who being so young I would be watching such a gay show.

heman1Darren Goodwin

 

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