As the new year is nearly 1/4 of the way through! You suddenly look at all the things you wanted do this year, and you panic! You start believing you’ve done fuck all towards them! And it’s snowing and cold fuck off weather. Do I just give up and never leave house again, with only Doctor Who and Porn to love me?
It’s taken me 6 weeks to write to write this blog, I just had to stop and take stock at the situation. it sounds so dramatic as I read that back, but I just had to stop. I think when I start noticing the shit things I was saying, then definatly time to take batteries out and put on a back shelf, I mean after my last date 6 weeks ago. I don’t think I’ve ever been so down in the world like I was in my opening paragraph lol.
So let me tell you about that date. It was a lovely evening, cuddling, playing Xbox and touching each other’s willys. We were having really good chats, and even were smooching. Get in!
As we played more we started to have some friendly “competitive banter” playing Battlefront 2. He took it to the next level, he said something daring to challenge me and I liked it. I wanted to say something funny, and a bit flirty. However my very stuttered response was “Well I’ll just……………fucking………………fist you!”
Where the fuck did that come from? I don’t even practice it or want to do it on anyone? Why did my mind go there? Let’s just say that sank like a lead balloon full gays on their way to Tel Avi Pride! The look on his face just said………….WHY? The rest of the evening I was concentrating so hard on what I was saying I just sounded like a twat. Not seen him since. Oh well another one bites the dust.
So I’ve been asking myself a lot of questions recently about myself, and I knew that possibly I needed to chat to someone. I’ve had it confirmed to me by my GP is that I suffer from Social Anxiety. Something that I’ve been keeping very close to my chest. For those who don’t know;
“Social anxiety disorder is more than shyness. If you experience it, you might feel intense fear and anxiety over everyday activities. Many of us worry about certain social situations, but social anxiety disorder means you worry excessively about these situations before, during and after them. You might be afraid of doing or saying something you think will be embarrassing or humiliating”
Some of my friends reading this now will think wow wait?? WTF! I’m not making a massive deal about saying this. It will sound stupid, but there were times where my mind would and still does go to a very dark place. I truly believe that due to my personality, how I look, I’m fat, all these things make me unlovable. Hence why I’m still single. Sad right?
The difference now is, I have help. I know what I can do to make things better for myself. Before you all read too much into it, I don’t mean be more like Gemma Collins.
I’d say right now my weekends are dull without Celebs Go Dating in my life. I got completely sucked in, I’d say due to pier pressure from my dear friends at work. It was absolutely brilliant. I think the way the process that they go through is brilliant, I call for a civilian version of the show please, I’m first in line if it does.
Gemma Collins what can I say, I’ve always had mixed opinions about her, more negative than positive. I mean that was me pushing her down that hole at the radio 1 awards, just fuck off. But if she could get 2 blokes interested in her, then definitely I’m doing something wrong.
I look at how she acts, I’m not convinced the “GC” is not the real deal for her. I think its how she keeps herself on TV, and makes her money, good for her. But you have to give it to her though, she’s a lot nicer to herself than a lot of people in the world. I’m not saying that because we should have some “fat kindred spirit”, but a lot of us should probably build our confidence and self belief. Obviously not to her level, when suddenly you develop a dick head alter ego. Fuck off will I be the DG.
But I also enjoyed the process, and how we should look at our dates. I was talking to my friends about this a lot, would you want or ask someone for feedback after a date? I fear only badness, but maybe it would help you grow? Could it? Elaine has, good for her.
So I decided to try it out. For the last 5 months maybe I’ve been chatting to this guy off Grindr, I’ll be honest I was edging it more to friends route because he was so good looking, I didn’t want the awkward “nah I don’t find you attractive” at my front door from him. He’s geeky like me and I was enjoying the regular chat. But I thought fuck it, I’m amazing, he needs to know this. I even cut short lunch with a friend to accommodate it.
It was a fantastic afternoon, nothing like a few hours shagging a hot guy, who’s actually a nice guy. Now before you jump to anything, nothing can happen here, he’s in an open relationship and there are rules. It was just what I needed, in all areas, my willy was smiling for a few days. You could say it was him that made me turn a corner, but I gave myself a bit of swagger and a bit love and it seemed to work. That was more her.
Since then I’ve started chatting to guys, lets see what happens. But it’s getting better. I’m still awaiting contact from First Dates, but I’d much prefer to go to Nadia and Eden. Failing that I think with Anaemia, chronic asthma and now Social Anxiety I must qualify for The Undateables 🙂